Separation...

Separation he says... it might work... trying to live life alone now... miss him so much... doubt it'll matter to him anyway... struggling so much cause I've grown fond and dependent... a month... what if he decides we should end it?... what if he decides he loves me but the feeling between us has fizzled?... what if he has found someone new?...

Been crying... just aimless at this point of time... Lord knows I've tried... less judgmental... more tolerating of his differing point of views... even try to be the giving one... all works out to nothing... feeling like crap at this point... so lost... can't talk to anyone... cause no one will understand... even I don't... was it cause of my objection to his other female friends?... can a girlfriend really tolerate that?... was it cause I didn't call or message him that often?... but it would have happened much earlier... did i not give him enough attention?... where did I go wrong?... 

When you have so much hope on one person... and he lets you down... "never put all your eggs in 1 basket"... a wise saying... but how do you not when it comes to love?...

I wished for amnesia... that I'd forget everything and start over again... or maybe that I'd die early that this suffering may end for me... sometimes the only thing that helps me sleep is physical pain...

that piece of wrapping paper...

while cleaning out my room, i found an old piece of wrapping paper... yellowing a little... dusty... the pattern still clear and pretty though... its not much of a piece... maybe coz i've cut out too many parts... dunno if i shud keep it or throw it... can't do much with it... but its such a pity to see it disposed... yet keeping it would jus contribute to clutter... there's too much clutter in my room... too many useless things that i can't find the heart to throw out... maybe someday i'll find the courage...

Everything will get better...

‘I’m sorry’ he says, for the umpteenth time this month. She’d be rich if she had a dollar for each time. The bruises on her arm were a hue of violets and lavenders, matching the flowers he bought. They never had the chance to heal. But it didn’t hurt as much anymore. The wound inside was harder to bear. But he already said sorry. She smiled through a cut lip as she accepted his bouquet. He kissed her swollen eye. She reeled back a bit due to the pain. Her rib hurt as he pulled her close for a hug. She hangs on to hope for a better day. Everything will get better soon enough.

And God said No...

A friend sent over a youtube... 10 questions every intelligent christian must answer... I may not have the answers to all as i have not claimed to be intelligent... but for the first 2 questions, the poem below surmises it.

And God Said No
by Claudia Minden Weisz

I asked God to take away my pride.
And God said “No”.He said it was not for Him to take away, but for me to give up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
And God said “No”.He said her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
And God said “No”.He said patience is a by-product of tribulations. It isn’t granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
And God said “No”.He said He gives me blessings, happiness is up to me.

I asked God to spare me pain.
And God said “No”.He said suffering draws me apart from worldly cares and brings me closer to Him.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
And God said “No”.He said I must grow on my own. But He will prune me to make me fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
And God said “No”.He said He will give me life, that I may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me love others, as much as he loves me.
And God said “Ah, finally you have the idea!”

Langkawi...day 2...

the next morning was FINALLY sunny...not sunny enough for a good tan but good for a day out...Pravin was hungover from the day before...so he rested while we went to sit cable car...



the view was awesome...

ching was afraid of heights...

there was such a vast difference in the temperatures up at the peaks...since it was the rainy season, we were among the rain clouds...was really cold and windy...and the clouds blocked us from the panoramic view from the top...

back at our rooms...Pravin sobered up a bit to go for island hopping...RM25 per person...so we grabbed some lunch (junk food and soft drinks)...then waited...



and waited...



the boat ride was a little rough...choppy waters...





first island was the famous Pulau Dayang Bunting...


went to swim and sunbath a while...



next destination was to watch eagle feeding...never seen so many at the same area the same time...they seem to already know that there'll be food...



last island was Pulau Beras Basah...we just hung around...



i looked for interesting shells and sea-washed stones...


then it was time to go...


dinner at USSR...met Suet-Li and family again...LOL...

Langkawi...day 1...

great time to be at Langkawi during a rainy season...

we took the airasia package of flight + hotel...was only RM215 per person...to me its was damn cheap...besides...i seriously needed a holiday...

So at about 7pm, we waved goodbye to LCCT...

me? I was ecstatic...

we arrived in about an hour...got a taxi to send us to our supposed hotel...but instead was left drenched tired and hungry as we searched for our dwelling...anyway...by about 9 something we finally got to our rooms...Yang and Pravin went on a mission to rent a car...and came back with pizzas...and booze of course...Pravin runs on beer...

got up the next morning...still raining...rained the whole night thru...never i my life have i experienced such a long-winded rain...but we knew we had to at least get a car...so in the drizzles, we set out...

RM50 a day kancils were all out of stock...so we settled for a RM60 a day kancil...and while Ching and Pravin were negotiating on the car, Yang and I got a little crazy with cheap sunspecs...

our first day was dedicated to duty-free shopping since the sky din stop pouring...which obviously means Pravin with more booze...


dinner that night was at some seafood restaurant just 5mins walk from our rooms...also where we met Suet-Li...though i have no photos of her with me...

met up with Suet-Li and Kevin (Suet-Li's bro) that night...went to some club...

after about 10 glasses, Pravin was gone...he took tons of pictures with random ppl...drank another girl's beer...and broke his tooth during a fall back at our rooms...

Sometimes...

sometimes you wonder if you'd ordered the right meal...there's the cheaper but heartier set... and there's the expensive and not very filling gourmet meal... sometimes you look thru the menu and all of it sounds great but you know you can only order 1... and when you've ordered, you wonder what the other dishes would taste like... then sometimes you get a whiff of whatever the other table is having and you wished you ordered that instead...there's too many 'if's...

My assistant handed in her resignation today. Its not like she’s an asset to the company but she’s the only other person with a proper micro background, although it’s just a diploma. She’s not that great. Doesn’t understand why some things are done a certain way and doesn’t really bother to find out. She grumbles, sulks and takes longer to adapt when I try to make vital changes. She got me to do some of her work along with my own work (then again I’m easy to be bullied). She likes to take MC. Actually all the lab assistants seem to enjoy taking MCs at times when you need them the most. She used my words against me. She sleeps in the lab sometimes. She chats longer than she works. She’s the only assistant daring enough to surf the net for gossips and check job application emails using the company’s computer. But I’m gonna miss her….I think.

Ironically, just as I’m about to publish this, another assistant just handed in her resignation. Strange day…